Funny and Humorous
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A Stack of Top 5 Funnies Bi-Weekly

Farmer who have rooster on farm Like to play with Cock. ( quote)

Submitted by: Marry

 


 

If she knew hot to..

A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door. When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex.

Not amused, she slammed the door.

Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!"

Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case. Sure enough, the next day the same man returned.

The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, "Yes!"

The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep the hell away from my wife!".
 

Submitted by: Fred

 


 

What sounds did we hear on our trip to the farm?

Submitted by: Nathan

 


 

I won't be able to plant my potato

An Farmer lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I Buried the BODIES. Love Bubba

At 4A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Bubba.
 

Submitted by: Wam

 


 

Weekend Warrior

Submitted by: Kate

 


 

Some things you just can't explain

A farmer is sitting in his local bar getting pissed. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that is so horrible?

Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. When the bucket was about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.
Man: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So then what happened.

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full again she took her
right leg and kicked it over.
Man: Again?

Farmer: Something's you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: So then what did you do?

Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Wow you must have been pretty upset!

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So then what did you do?

Farmer: Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter, then my pants fell down and then my wife walked in.
 

Submitted by: Jacob

 


 

 

Funny Farm ( Most Funny part)


 

Submitted by: Eric

 


 

She must have had a lot of relatives

Bob was traveling down a country road in his native Yorkshire, England when he saw a crowd of people gathering outside a farmhouse.

It was a cold December Evening , so he stopped and asked Farmer Tom why such a large crowd of men was gathered there.

The Tom replied, 'Jo's horse kicked his wife and she died.'

'Well, 'replied the man, 'She must have had a lot of relatives.'

'Nope, 'said Farmer .' We all just want to buy his horse.'
 

Submitted by: Ellis

 


 

 

will you be farming neighbor?

Submitted by: john

 


 

 

 

My father wouldn't like it.

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.

Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
 

Submitted by: Kate

 


 

 

she is real .... ( funny Farmer call)


 

Submitted by: Linda

 


 

 

That wasn't accident

Farmer was interviewing a young man for the job of assistant farmhand. 'You'll need to be fit,' said the farmer. 'Have you ever had any illnesses? Any accidents?'
 'No, sir,' replied the young man proudly.
'But you're on crutches. You must have had an accident!' said the farmer.
 'Oh, the crutches!' said the young man.
'A bull tossed me last week. But that wasn't an accident! He did it on purpose!'

Submitted by: Usher

 


 

Used Cows for Sale

Submitted by: Lilly

 

 

 


 

 

I am a lonely widow

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up
against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do
that?'

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

Submitted by: Flint

 


Farmers are the best in their field !! (quote)

Submitted by: Michael

 

 

 


 

 

We're not coming out until you leave!

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
 

Submitted by: Harris

 


 

 

Farmer's tractor


 

Submitted by: Rina

 


 

I have the authority

A rather cocky U.S. Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer in New Hampshire.

He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm.'

The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder.'

The Agriculture representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me. See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH
on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.

Half an hour later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull.

The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out:

'Your badge! Your badge! Show him your badge!'
 

Submitted by: Max

 


Playing with chicks

Submitted by: Reo

 

 


 

Cow from Nor Dakota

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nor Dakota.

He drives to Nor Dakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.

Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls...the cow farts.

Ole is very surprised.

He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so
after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?"

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Nor Dakota."

 

Submitted by: William

 


When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. (quote)

Submitted by: Dave

 

 


 

 

 

go ahead


A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a stroll in the fields when they came across a cow and a calf rubbing noses. "Boy," said the farmer, "that sure makes me want to do the
same." "Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your Cow ".
 

Submitted by: Sims

 


Fresh Brown Egg

Submitted by: Brain

 

 


 

Human interest Story

A young journalism student was assigned to write a human interest story. He went into the mountains to do some research. There, he found an old farmer sitting on his porch,
introduced himself, and explained his mission.

The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you really happy?"

After a moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her
back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can't you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?"

The farmer thought for a minute and smiled, "Yep! One time a neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it, and then took it back home."

Again, the young man said, "I can't print that, either. Let's try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed, and after a few seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said,

"This one time, I got lost."

 

Submitted by: Betty

 


 

 

those are actually made of chicken


 

Submitted by: Leo

 


 

 

Save my chicken

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being
run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing
all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers." So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster." So, again,
the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right
for me to put up my own damned sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Hell, yes, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more
calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmer's last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, hell yes. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.

The sheriff though to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words:

SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.

Submitted by: Joseph


 

How do you make a million at farming? Start with two million and work hard! (quote)


 

Submitted by: Sid

 


 

I wouldn't listen to her

An agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your methods are too old fashioned. I won't be surprised if this tree will give you less than twenty pounds of apples." "I won't be
surprised either," said the farmer, "this is an orange tree".


On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another. "Maybe I don't know
what I'm talking about," said the city slicker, "but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn't it save a lot of time?" "Time?" said the farmer. "What
does time matter to a pig?"

A man's car stalled on a country road. When he got out to see what was wrong, a cow came along and stopped beside him.

"Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.

Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met the farmer. He told the farmer his story about a talking cow.

"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer.

"Yes!"

"Oh, then, I wouldn't listen to her," said the farmer. "Bessie doesn't know anything about cars."
 

Submitted by: Joseph


I smell like Crap coz I own horses what's you excuse?. (quote)

Submitted by: Arian

 

 


 

Only this Farmer can drive this tractor with Flat tyer


 

Submitted by: Sara

 


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