My wife said, "I want a straight answer... did you pay for sex on your stag weekend?"
I said, "No, definitely not, no way... he paid."

Submitted by: Joseph

can you tell me the time?

A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully,
"Sir, can you tell me the time?" The portly man stopped,
carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket,
removed a large watch from a vest pocket,
looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man."
"Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass." With that,
the kid took off running, and with an angry cry,
the outraged businessman started chasing him.
He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him.
"Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend.
Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said,
"That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three,
I should kiss his ass!" "So what's your hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."

Submitted by: Nirmal

I'm not saying my wife's ugly,
but when we went to get married the registrar asked,
'Which ones the bride?'

Submitted by: shannon

That must be your husband coming home

A husband had just arrived home from a six-month tour of duty.
The husband closed the front door and immediately he and his wife
were furiously making love upstairs when,
suddenly, the wind slammed a door shut somewhere else in the house.
The husband said, jokingly, "Oh God! NO!
That must be your husband coming home."
The wife replies (without thinking),
"No, don't worry.
He's off in the Navy for six whole months."

Submitted by: Bob

I haven't felt so confused since my sexy art teacher asked me into her office and told me to draw the blinds...

Submitted by: Tom

I've spent the whole day with the missus

I was just chatting to a bloke in the pub.
He said, "What have you been up to today?"
I said, "I've spent the whole day with the missus."
He said, "You lucky bastard, I've been at work all day."
I said, "I know, she told me."

Submitted by: hudson

A fat bird walks into a pub and shouts, "If anyone can guess my weight, they can have me."
A guy in the corner replies, "93 stone"
"Close enough," she replies, "you lucky b**rd!"

Submitted by: Rio

But you said you didn't want any children

"I think we should have a child," I said to me wife.
"What?" she asked, "But you said you didn't want any children. Don't get me wrong, I'm delighted, but what made you change your mind?"
"Dave was telling me about some of the things he does now he's got a kid, and it made me realise I was missing out on something."
"Aww... That's sweet," she said, giving me a big hug. "I'll start planning and it won't be long before you're enjoying the things that Dave was telling you about."
oh yeah Dave gave me babysitter number.....

Submitted by: Molly

My son asked me what a transexual is..
I said "ask your dad, he'll know"

Submitted by: Tara

I wish for a million bucks

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter.
He asks the man," Where did you get such a big lighter?"
The man replies, "See that man playing piano over there He's a genie and he'll grant you one wish."
So the guy walks over to the genie and says, "I wish for a million bucks." All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.
The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, "That genie is a little hard of hearing, isn't he?"
The guy replies, "Yeah. You think I asked for a 14 inch bic"

Submitted by: Scot

I don't understand women

Submitted by: James

Am I the first man you ever made love to?

A man picks up a girl in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel room.
When they're relaxing afterwards he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?"
She looks at him thoughtfully for a long time.
"You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar"

Submitted by: Dave

I hate auto correct

Submitted by: Farry

He starts to sing a weird song

Little johnny boards his school bus and sits right behind the driver. He starts to sing a weird song:
"Had my dad been a dog, my mom been a bitch; I'd have been a puppy".
"Had my dad been a horse, my mom been a mare; I'd have been a colt"
"Had my dad been a tiger, my mom been a tigress; I'd have been a cub"
.......... and so on.
The driver who is constantly getting irritated by his dumb song asks him:
"What if your dad had been a gay and your mom had been a lesbian?"
Little johnny replies: "Well then, I would have been a bus-driver"

Submitted by: Kate

Microsoft says somebody stole its Apple iPads

Submitted by: James

A great day for Kids

Submitted by: James

Front Butt is for lovers

Submitted by: James

we can repair anything

Submitted by: James

Funny look alike pictures

Funny look alike pictures



Funny unexpected jokes

Funny unexpected jokes

Funny look like jokes

Funny look like jokes

Every action there is an equal and opposite Reaction

every action there is an equal and opposite reaction

Give up funny

Give up funny

Funny bad timing jokes

Funny bad timing jokes

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