I got home from work today to see I had no PS3, no Laptop, no plasma, and my girlfriend was missing.
I then remembered I've never actually had any of those things...

Submitted by: Karen

No watermelons were missing


There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, Now there are two!


Submitted by: Nitra

I miss my wife's cooking. . . . as often as I can ( quotes) 

Submitted by: Peter

Husband is missing

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, has blonde wavy hair and a smile that makes everybody love him.

The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."

The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

Submitted by: Peter

I've got one in my home, but her name's Sandra...

Submitted by: Michel

Bull was missing

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad
in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher.
The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section
through which the railroad passed.
The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull
.The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace
in the back room of the general store.
The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered
the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.
He did his best selling job,
and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release
and took the check and cashed it in the store,
the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating
a little over his success, telling the rancher ...
"You are really a country hick, old man,
but I put one over on you in there.
I couldn't have won that case.
The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose
when the train went through your ranch that morning.
I didn't have one witness to put on the stand .. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied .
. "Well, I'll tell you young feller
, I was a little worried about winning that case myself,
because that durn bull came home this morning!!"

Submitted by: Richard

I was drinking at a bar a girl came over and started to flirt with me.
After a while she leaned in and whispered to me "Wanna know what I've been missing?"
Apparently "Exercise" was not what she was going to say.

Submitted by: Roth

what is so exciting about a period?


A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting
and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found,
the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class,
and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
'It's a period,' he replied
.'I can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is so exciting about a period?'
Darned if I know,' he said,
'but this morning my sister was missing one,
my mom fainted,
my dad had a heart attack,
and the boy next door joined the Navy.'

Submitted by: Lily

Please Return My Spoon

Submitted by: Scot

His clothes were missing.

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing.
While searching around for them, he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room,
and he found himself completely naked in the halls of the world's most powerful military organization HQ.
But, luckily, no one was around to see him.
So, he ran as fast as he could to the elevator.
When it arrived, it was empty.
He breathed a sigh of relief and got in.
When the doors opened on his floor, there was no one waiting outside.
"This must be my lucky day," he said to himself.
He was now only a few yards from his office.
Suddenly, he heard footsteps coming from around the corner.
He heard the General's voice.
There was no way he'd make it to his door in time,
so he ducked into the closest office available,
and found himself in the laboratory for Research & Development.
The Head Scientist looked up from one of her experiments with puzzled interest.
The soldier thought quickly, stood up straight and saluted.
"I am here to report the partial success of the Personal Invisibility Device," he said.
The Head Scientist said.
"You mean the shrink-ray, don't you?"

Submitted by: Anne

Missing mom found after 30 years

Submitted by: Betty

the baby's missing ears


Little Johnny's neighbors had a new baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When the mother brought the baby home from the hospital, Little Johnny's family was
invited over to see him.

Before they left their house, little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything
about the baby's missing ears of even said the word "ears," he would get the spanking of his life when they came home.

Little Johnny told his dad that he understood completely.

When Johnny looked into the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Little Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?," asked Johnny.

"Yes," the mother replied, "we are so thankful. The doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great," said Little Johnny, "'cuz he'd he shit out of luck if he needed glasses."
 

Submitted by: Usher

I was on my dinner hour at work, throwing darts at a picture of my wife.
Not one hit her, when she rang me on my mobile and said, "What are you doing?"
I said, "Missing you."

Submitted by: Jimmy

Stolen Bike


Submitted by: Brain

Missing My Imaginary friend

Submitted by: Brain

Pet Missing

Submitted by: Lilia

I Miss you Funny Saying

I miss you like
Moron misses the punch line.


 

Submitted by: Peter

I miss you like
an idiot misses the point


 

Submitted by: Bob

Sometimes I miss you?
Then I remember The good old days and
I'm like "Fuck this shit".


 

Submitted by: Routh

I wanna write "I miss you" on a rock and throw it at your face so you know how much it hurts to miss you.


 

Submitted by: Hariss

Whenever  I take out the garbage
I miss you alot


 

Submitted by: Karen

Do you ever think about all of the really nice drunk girls you?ve met in bathrooms
and wonder how they are doing?
I miss you all

 

Submitted by: Leo

Sometimes I miss being a friends..
But then I remember you are a bitch.


 

Submitted by: Tara

Healthy relationship


 

Submitted by: Ronie

You Miss my snoring


 

Submitted by: Maria

Your face
I miss that shit


 

Submitted by: Liaba

Funny missing cat poster


funny missing cat poster

women vs men


women vs men

Funny arguments between couples


Funny arguments between couples

Things you should not say in bed


Things you should not say in bed

what not to say to parents when picking up a date


what not to say to parents when picking up a date

Funny jokes about missing


Funny jokes about missing

it's funny because it's wrong


it's funny because it's wrong

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