Only in Japan WTF 

Submitted by: John

You can get them at any drugstore.

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

Submitted by: Sid

Quality Condoms

Submitted by: Simian

18 year old next door neighbour pregnant

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.
"What's up Dave?" asked the Landlord?
It's not like you to be so down in the mouth."
"It's my four year old son?" the man replied.
"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school?
- my lad's just the same ?
forget about it; it happens to boys that age," said the landlord, sympathetically.
" I only wish it was that," continued the customer,
" but it's far worse than that.
The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant."
"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the landlord
"It's not," said the man.
"The little prick stuck a pin in all my condoms."

Submitted by: Kate

For those who struggle to find their right size

Submitted by: Peter

wife was having a baby

There was a preacher who's wife was having a baby,
so he went to his congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever a preacher's family expanded,
so would his pay check.
After 6 children this started to get expensive
and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the
clergyman's additional children would cost the church.
Finally the preacher got up and spoke tothe crowd,
"Children are a gift from God, he said.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In a back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said
." rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much ofit, we wear rubbers,
and the congregation said,
"Amen"

Submitted by: Eric

Chocolate Flavoured Condom

Submitted by: Thomas

give her a box of condoms

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status,
she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then,
talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date,
the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom!" You don?t have to worry about that!
"I'm dating Susan!"

Submitted by: Linda

What color are you going to wear tonight?

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she she says, rolling her eyes.
"What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"Yeah, so?" she says.
"What color are you going to wear tonight?"
"Gold of course," the man says proudly.
"Really, dear, why don't you wear Silver," she responds.
"It would be nice if you were second for a change!"
"That's fine," he said without missing a beat.
"As long as you have your sister here for 'Bronze night'."

Submitted by: Bill

Durex Condom

Submitted by: Linda

Do you know how they make these gloves?

A dentist noticed that his next patient,
a little old lady, was nervous,
so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves..
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed,
'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex,
and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank,
dip in their hands, let them dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

Submitted by: Tom

Urgently Wanted condom testers

Submitted by: Kate

Condoms are not recommended for use:

a) before the 15th of the month
b) after the 15th of the month
c) immediately after sex
d) as birthday party decorations

She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book ( funny condom quotes)

Submitted by: Bob

There were only six condoms remaining

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to make love. When they were finished, she discovered there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"

His nervous reply was, "Well, I masturbated with them."

Later, she approached one of her male friends and told him the story. She asked, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.

"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."

Submitted by: Fred

Extra Small condom

Submitted by: Ricky

Would you like to buy some?

A woman walked into a convenience store and asked the clerk if they sold extra-large condoms.
He replied, "Yes, we do. Would you like to buy some?" "No," she said, "but do you mind if I wait here until someone does?"

Submitted by: Fred

It's not enough just to buy condoms, Cassidy; you have to use them. ( funny condom quotes)

Submitted by: Vicky

If some Corporate companies Sponors Condom compagin

Energizer - It just keeps going .. and going .. and going ....

Visa - It's everywhere you want to be.

Timex - It takes a licking and keeps on ticking.

BMW - The ultimate driving machine.

Volkswagen - Drivers wanted.

KFC - Finger lickin' good.

Miller Beer - Tastes great! Less filling!

Bounty Towels - The quicker picker-upper.

Alka Seltzer - Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz, Oh what a relief it is.

Bacardi Silver Premium Malt - Your night just got more interesting.

Braniff Airlines - If you've got it, flaunt it.

Campbells' Soups - M'm! M'm! Good!

 

Chevy Trucks - Like a rock! (Karen )

Degree Deodorant - It won't let you down.

Access - Your flexible friend.

Federal Express - When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

Folgers - The best part of waking up, is Folgers in your cup.

Hallmark - When you care to send the very best.

Deere - Nothing runs like a Deere.

Budweiser - This Bud's for you. (Canadian Dude)

Hotjobs.com - Onward. Upward.

Twinkies - Hey! Where's the cream filling?

M&M's - It melts in your mouth, not in your hand. ( Karen )

Maxwell House - Good to the last drop.

McDonalds - I'm loving it.

Monster.Com - Find the one you dig.

Microsoft - Where do you want it today?

Peter Paul Mounds - Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.

Pontiac - We are driving excitement.

Pringles - Once you pop, you can't stop!

Radio Times - If it's on, it's in.

Full Throttle - Let Your Man Out.