"I've got a sore throat and my head feels like it's going to explode." I said, "Have you got anything?"
He said, "No mate, I feel fine."

Submitted by: Tom

My wife makes love like a chess player

The first guy said, "You know, I'm really lucky.
When my wife makes love, she's like an acrobat.
She can get into the most incredible positions."
The second guy said, "I'm lucky, too.
My wife is like a world-class pianist when we have sex.
She's got the most talented hands you can imagine."
No one spoke for a moment.
Then the first guy said to the third guy,
"George how's you wife in bed?"
George took a sip of his beer, then replied,
"I guess you could say that my wife makes love like a chess player."
"A chess player?"
"Yeah. Every twenty minutes, she moves.

Submitted by: Dave

She said "How do you feel when you wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you?"
I just did and I apparently won't be allowed on this airline again.

Submitted by: Edward

I know exactly how you feel

I was sat next to a lady in the hospital waiting room today.

I said to her, "Are you ok? You don't look well."

She said, "I've got a massive tumor, I've been to hell and back with it."

I said, "I know exactly how you feel . I'm married as well.

Submitted by: Kate

I like when a guy makes me feel like a woman and a little girl at the same time

Submitted by: Eva

How are you feeling?

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are you feeling?"

Grandma took out her little note pad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart

Submitted by: Nathan

If you're ever feeling down and blue... You're probably a smurf.

Submitted by: Louis

Feel really depressed

My wife said, "I'm starting to feel really depressed about my weight."

"I know what you would love right now," I said, holding out my arms.

"A hug?" she smiled.

"No, a chocolate bar," I replied. "This long."

Submitted by: Pal

Have you ever got funny feeling that you have watched free online movie and still feel you paid too much.

Submitted by: Fraid

You have no idea how good I feel right now

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So, I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished... and before leaving the house this morning I have finished off a bottle of Scotch, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jack Daniel's, all my Prozac, and a small box of chocolates.

You have no idea how good I feel right now.

Pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.

Best non-sex feeling ever?

Submitted by: Fraid

People say love is the best feeling. but I think finding a toilet when you are having diarrhea is better.

Submitted by: Fraid

 

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