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Missing Wife

Submitted by: Tara

 


 

I thought

Last month, a man placed a 911 call to his local police station and calmly reported to the police operator, "My wife, Gertrude, is
missing."

The switchboard officer asked, "Sir, how long has your wife been gone?"
The husband replied, "I think about one month."
Why did you wait so long to report it?" asked the policeman.

The husband replied, "Well . . . Until yesterday, I thought it was just a dream."

 

Submitted by: Harem

 


 

For Sale

Submitted by: Lim

 


 

Not at home

Telephone rings at night...

Husband: "If its for me then say that I am not at home"

Wife answers: "He is at home"

Husband: "What the hell?"

Wife: "It was for me."

 

Submitted by: Bill

 


Husband that every wife's dream


 

Submitted by: Oliva


 

Klopman Diamond


A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klopman."
 

Submitted by: deny

 


 

 

wife that every Husband's dream


 

Submitted by: Johan

 


 

Thank God!


An Irish wife went to see her parish priest for some counseling because of her husband's drinking. "Father," she said, "he comes
home every night drunk. What will I do?"

Father said, "tonight put a sheet over your head and hide in the closet. When your husband comes home, jump out of the closet and
say: 'the devil from hell is here!' and he will never drink again."

The woman did what Father suggested and waited for her husband in the closet. True to form the husband wandered home and into the
house as drunk as a skunk. His wife jumped out of the closet as soon as he entered the house and yelled "the devil from hell is
here!"

The husband was quite startled. "Thank God!" said he said, "I thought it was the wife out of her bed."

Submitted by: Pal

 


 

 

Scratching Himself

Submitted by: Bob

 


 

 

 

Love lives


A young man and wife were having a discussion about their respective love lives
prior to their marriage ceremony.
The man asks, "How many men had you slept with prior to marrying me?"
"Only one," she replied.
"Now how about you?
How many women had you slept with prior to our wedding?"
The husband responded, "Only you, darling."
With an enthusiastic expression on her face, the woman asks,
"Really?"
"Yes," the husband replies.
"All the other women were too active during our lovemaking sessions to get ANY sleep."
 

Submitted by: Sara

 


 

 

A handy solution for wife


 

Submitted by: Bob

 


 

 

You could really learn for this

The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year.

That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year.

That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
 

Submitted by: Kate

 


 

Dirty Thing

Submitted by: Dora

 

 

 


 

 

For Whom do you mourn

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? "

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before.

For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?
" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
 

Submitted by: Peter

 


Hand me

Submitted by: Lila

 

 

 


 

 

I don't want


One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly,
"When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry
and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff."
She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"
 

Submitted by: Karen

 


 

 

its preplan


 

Submitted by: Zorro

 


 

That's wonderful


A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that's wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Wow! That was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back." He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
 Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back into the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror,

saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."

Submitted by: Tim

 


 

Getting Late

Submitted by: Usher

 

 

 


 

I'm coming too

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm moving to New York. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free." She answers.

A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he is going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."


 

Submitted by: Rita

 


 

 

 

counseling

 

Submitted by: Tim

 


 

 

Bad Day


Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez, Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time."

 

Submitted by: Dina

 


Coz you are the only thing that I love in the world

 

Submitted by: Vera

 


 

I am not going to mess

A woman goes shoe-shopping one day. As the salesman is helping her try on shoes he notices she is not wearing panties. He looks at the woman and says, "Man, I'd love to fill
that with ice cream and eat it!"

The woman slaps the man and runs home to tell her husband. The husband acts disinterested and his wife gets angry and asks, "Aren't you going to do anything!?"

The husband replies, "First of all, you have too many shoes as it is. Second, you shouldn't be out shopping without panties. And third of all, I'm not going to mess with anyone who can eat that much ice cream!"
 

Submitted by: Jon

 


 

Wife's Lucky call

 

Submitted by: Sara

 


 

I was afraid

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and
blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I
doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can
give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
 

Submitted by: vicky

 


 

We look After him for you

Submitted by: Sim

 


 

I saw nothing

Three men were traveling and happened to meet at a bar in New Jersey.
One man was from Tennessee, one from North Carolina and one from
Kentucky. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems
with their wives.

The guy from Tennessee began by saying: "I told my wife in no uncertain
terms that from now on she would have to do her own cooking! Well the
first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But
on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, a
wonderful dinner was prepared , with wine and even dessert.

Then the man from North Carolina spoke up: "I sat my wife down and told
her, that from now on she would have to do her own shopping, and also do
the cleaning! The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing.
But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless,
and in the pantry shelves were filled with groceries.

The fellow from Kentucky was married to a woman from Harlan County. He
sat up straight on the bar stool and said: "I gave my wife a stern look and
told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and
housecleaning! Well the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw
nothing. But on the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye..."
 

Submitted by: Eric

 


 

Disagreement

 

Submitted by: Kim

 


 

Pay me Compliment

A woman was standing nude looking in her bedroom mirror.

She said to her husband, "I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

He replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

Submitted by: Sandra

 


 

Funny song for Wife

 

Submitted by: Kim

 

Little one

My wife said to me: "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
I said "yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

I went to my solicitor and told him I was looking to get a divorce because my wife hadn't spoken to me in six months, he told me to think it over, "wives like that are hard to get!"

My wife said for her birthday she wanted something that went from 0 to 60 in three and a half seconds - so I bought her a pair of weighing scales!

I asked my wife where she'd like to go for our anniversary and she said "take me somewhere I've never been" - so I showed her into the kitchen!

I once placed an advert in my local paper: "Wife Wanted", I got 82 replies all saying "you can have mine!"

My wife hung up the phone after half an hour chatting, I said, "that was short, you're usually on a couple of hours", she said "it was a wrong number"!

I haven't spoken to my wife for three years - I don't want to interrupt her!"

I saw my wife looking in the mirror, she said "I like to look at my lovely young complexion and attractiveness, do you think that's vanity?" I said, "no, just your imagination!"

I wanted a great night out so I bought my wife three movie tickets - one for her and one each for her parents!

I said to my wife I was going to make her the happiest woman in the world - she said she'd miss me!

I came back from the pub one night and the next morning I realized that men are as good looking as when they went to bed the night before but for some reason women deteriorate overnight!

My wife said it was better for me to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

My wife said we should learn from our mistakes so I don't quite understand why we had more than one child! 

A Husband & Wife Were Arguing Over Some Issue. After Much Of Discussion,
Wife Finally Said:"Tell Me Dear , Do You Want To Win
OR
Do You Want To Be Happy . . ?
Argument Ended !!!!!!!!!

Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.

A Lady to Doctor:
My husband has habit of talking in sleep! what should i give him to cure?
Dr: Give him an Opportunity to speak when he's awake !!!

First guy (proudly) : "My wife's an angel!"Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor.

HUSBAND: A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.


WIFE: A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.
 

Submitted by: Harris

 


 


 

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