The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.
Submitted by: Maria
My Butt is going to SLeepTwo little old ladies were attending a rather long church service.
One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."
"I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."
Submitted by: Katharine
Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.
Submitted by: Philips
He Saved up for 60 yearsThe 70-year-old groom and the 25-year-old bride attracted attention as they checked into the resort hotel. The next morning, at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a happy tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs.
The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident. Fifteen minutes later, the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and sat across from her 70-year-old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee. The groom excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar.
As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said, "Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are, a young bride with an old husband, and you're looking like you've encountered a buzz saw."
"That guy double-crossed me," said the bride. "He told me he saved up for 60 years, and I thought he was talking about money!"
Submitted by: Lily
Take a Still Photo
Submitted by: Fred
Multi tasking when you Laugh , Cough , Sneeze , Fart and Pee all at the same time.
Submitted by: Nick
Signs for Old Age1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, Did I wake you????
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM .
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to payoff.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to a manageable size.
19. You can't remember where you got this list .
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Submitted by: Tom
Grandpa has a good time
Submitted by: Bob
How can they display such a thing ?Two elderly women were walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later, the first women said, "Gracious! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
The second woman replied, "Yes, I was absolutely shocked. How can they display such a thing? The penis was so large!"
The first old lady blurted out, "And cold, too!"
Submitted by: Lily
My brain - it's my second favorite organ.
Submitted by: Billy
Baby's First ExamA woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his
weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.
He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while, in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
Submitted by: Sim
Grandpa has a good time
Submitted by: Andrew
As long as it fitsTwo old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette,
and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
Submitted by: Harry
Submitted by: John
An Elderly Italian men went to confessionAn elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that." "It's worse than that, father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."
The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question ."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
Submitted by: Iris
Good old days
Submitted by: Kathy
Fairly well for my ageI recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well for my age".
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said all red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hunting, or fishing?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?
Submitted by: Molly