I couldn't believe it today, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine.
She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school.

Our son has got an imaginary friend

My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist.
"What can I do for you?" He asked.
"Our son has got an imaginary friend," said my wife.
"There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop, and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." Said the psychiatrist.
"We haven't got a son." I replied.

My wife spends every night in town, going into pub after pub.
And she always f**king finds me

but I can't use a computer

I went to the Jobcentre earlier, to see if they had anything for me.
The girl said, 'We have a few positions in data entry.'
'Sorry,' I replied, 'but I can't use a computer.'
'You can't use a computer? In this day and age? Are you mentally handicapped?'
'No,' I replied, 'but it's one of my bail conditions.'

I met this fit bird in a club last night.
"Fancy taking me somewhere a little more quiet?" she purred.
20 minutes later, I was sitting in the library by myself wondering where I went wrong.

Two cannibals who were best friends decided to share a comedian for lunch. After just a few bites, the one cannibal turned to his pal and asked, "Does this taste funny to you ?"

What do you call a drunk man?
A taxi.

What did the cannibal get when he turned up late to the dinner party?
the cold shoulder

What did baby corn say to mommy corn?
where's popcorn?

What do you call a midget physic escaped from prison?
A small medium at large!

Never trust an Atom
they make up everything

Two peanuts walk into a bar
one was salted

What did batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Get in the car

What are the two words that will open lots of doors in your life?
Push and pull

A cop pulled me over and said "papers..."
I said "scissor I win!" and drove off.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

What do you call it when batman skips church?
Christian Bale.

What do you call a person who is an agnostic insomniac and has dyslexia?
Someone who lies awake all night wondering whether or not there really is a DOG ?

I had a go at the shopkeeper today for refusing to serve me cigarettes, "F**k off," I raged, "I'm 19 years old for Christ sake."
"I know," he said, "but you've two dollar short."

you pulled out right in front of me

"What the f**ck," I shouted, "you pulled out right in front of me!"
"That was your fault," she snapped.
"I don't think so, love. Look at the damage; you've buckled my front left wheel!"
"You're just being ridiculous now," she responded. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Look," I replied. "Let's exchange details and get this mess sorted out."
"Oh for f**ck's sake," she retorted, "just get another trolley and grow up."

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