Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it (quotes)

Submitted by: Scot

Women vs Men

1.    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
       A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2.   A  woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
      A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3.  A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
      A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little.
    To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & do not every try to understand her.

5. Any married man should forget his mistakes
    There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

6. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

7. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

8. A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

9. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman Before marriage & After
     marriage.
    Women don't need to understand a men.


Submitted by: Fred

Give me some space

Submitted by: Clive

When he or she says.......... really mean

"40-ish": Over 50 and looking for a 25 year-old
"40-ish": 49 years old

"Athletic": Watches a lot of sports on TV
"Athletic": Flat chest


"Average looking": Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
"Average looking": Has a face like a bull dog

"Educated": Will patronize you all the time
"Educated": Bitchy know-it-all

"Free Spirit": Will bang anything that moves
"Free Spirit": Junkie

"Friendship first": As long as friendship involves sex
"Friendship first": Trying to live down reputation as a slut

"Very good looking": Dumb as a board
"Beautiful": Pathological liar


"Honest": Pathological Liar
"Emotionally Secure": Heavily medicated


"Huggable": Overweight and hairy like a bear
"Feminist": Lesbian just looking to procreate


"Open-minded": Wants to have threesomes with your friends
"Open-minded": Desperate


"Physically fit": Does a lot of beer can curls
"Social": Has been passed around like an hors d"oeuvres tray


"Poet": Wrote ex-girlfriend's phone number on a bathroom stall
"Poet": Depressive schizophrenic

"Sensitive": Cries if you want him to go see a chick flick
"Feminist": Lesbian just looking to procreate



"Spiritual": Got laid in a cemetery once
"Free Spirit": Junkie

"Stable": Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
"Young at heart": Old hag


"Thoughtful": Says "Excuse me" when he farts
"Passionate": Sloppy drunk

"Likes to cuddle": Insecure mama's boy
"Old-fashioned": Lights out, missionary position only


"Mature": Older than your father
"New-Age": Lots of body hair

Submitted by: Harison

Men are like a Bluetooth: Women are like Wi-Fi

Submitted by: Bob

Take a shower Men and women style

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.


Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown, covering up any exposed areas if you see husband along the way.


Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.


Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, loofah and pumice stone.


Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Wash hair again. Condition with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. - Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Rinse conditioner from hair.

Rinse off and get out of shower.
Shave armpits and legs.

Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain was hanging out
of tub the whole time.
Turn off shower.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower; spray mold spots with Tilex.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Get out of shower; dry with towel the size of a small country; wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head; if you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Submitted by: Eric

Men vs Women

Submitted by: Bob

If women or men are computer

 They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
No one but the Creator understands their internal log


They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".


It is always necessary to have a backup.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

A better model is always just around the corner.
As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
Picky, picky, picky.

In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
They hear what you say, but not what you mean.

Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing"

Beauty is only shell deep.
Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.

They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
Always turning simple statements into big productions.

Size does matter!
Smalltalk is important.

Submitted by: Sid

Average amount of time a woman can keep a secret is 47 hours and 15 min. (Fact)

Submitted by: Rony

Women spend nearly one year of their lives deciding what to wear.  (Fact)

Submitted by: Vicky

Boys vs Girls

Submitted by: Peter

Men lie 6 times a day, twice as often as women.

Submitted by: Cook

women Vs Men

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

Submitted by: Iris

is exactly the sam as

Submitted by: Kim

Women Speak about 20,000 words a day 13000 more than the average men. (fact)

Submitted by: Liana

unspoken communication

Submitted by: Billy

Why are men and women so different?

Submitted by: Tom

Men vs Women

Submitted by: Millie

you have bad valentine on valentine's day


you have bad valentine on valentine's day

you're going to lose ALL your friends


you're going to lose ALL your friends

Top Ten Things Which Women Like to hear


TOp Ten Things Which Women Like to hear

why are you still single


why are you still single

Boys are Boys


Boys are Boys

jokes about husband and wife


jokes about husband and wife

jokes about women


Jokes about women

Jokes about men


Jokes about men

valentines funny


valentines funny

jokes about mother in law


jokes about mother in law

jokes about marriage


jokes about marriage

Cheating Jokes


Cheating Jokes

funny break up


funny break up

joke about divorce


joke about divorce

you are finished


you are finished

It was easier than having to shoot a different man every day


It was easier than having to shoot a different man every day

A Stack of Top 5 Funnies bi-Weekly

We don't deliver junk but only the best and top rated funnies from the world wide web to save you time. Join Today! and be the first to hear about our latest post.